So, you are out and about in what feels like June but is really October or November, and you spot it for the first time that year: Christmas decorations.

If you are like me, you check the date and go, ‘Already?! Seriously?!’

While many people love it (and I’m talking, ‘Let’s wear Christmas themed gear for a month’ kind of loving) Christmas can be a very challenging time for others.  

Lonely people can feel more lonely, busy people get more busy, poor families get poorer, and stressed families get more stressed. People without kids may wish they had them, and those with them may long for the days when Christmas wasn’t so expensive because it is ‘all for the kids really’. If you have a good relationship with your family, spending time at Christmas will bring you closer, but if you are estranged from them or unable to see them for whatever reason, you will likely feel it even more at Christmas time.  

The ‘weight’ of Christmas

In the real world outside of the JW bubble, Christmas has a certain weight to it. People tend to make a massive effort to do something with their family and/or friends in some way, and it is a favourite topic of conversation for weeks before and after: ‘What are you up to for Christmas? Are you travelling to see family? How was your Christmas? Etc.

Only today (at the time of writing) I walked past three young men and overheard one saying to his friends that he had just phoned his parents ‘to make sure they weren’t doing nothing’ on Christmas Day. Also today, an article popped up in my newsfeed entitled ‘Why I’ve decided to spend Christmas Day alone doing the things I love’, by someone who is tired of the pressure that Christmas puts on people.

And there is pressure. Literally everywhere. On TV, social media, the shops, at work, you can’t escape it. There is so much emphasis on it that even if Christmas never meant anything to you (looking at you ex-JWs!), you may, just by default, start to feel down on yourself for not having some special plans or a cast of thousands to spend it with.

You only need to do an internet search for something like, ‘why is Christmas hard for people’ to see the myriad of reasons why even some ‘worldly’ people may struggle at Christmas time, with visits to counsellors and psychologists increasing as soon as it is over[1].

Christmas as a former JW

If Christmas is a mixed bag even for ‘normal’ people, how is it for people who have never celebrated it, were indoctrinated to believe they may as well be a devil worshipper for all the evil that will befall them if they did celebrate it, but are now loose in the world trying to make up their own minds about it?

As one of those special people, Christmas makes me feel ambivalent and slightly uneasy at the same time. I don’t love it, but I don’t hate it either. It is an enjoyable time of year because everyone seems to look forward to it so much and has such a good time, but for most of my life, Christmas never actually meant anything, so it is difficult to suddenly feel the same sense of excitement and anticipation that others do.

For JWs, Christmas does not mean family gatherings, relaxing, and having fun. It just means doing the same thing you always do, even going out witnessing on Christmas morning if you are unlucky enough for it to happen on a Saturday. It is also another splendid opportunity to be punished or made to feel guilty if you accidentally participate in a celebration of any kind, in any way.

But just because we as former JWs previously didn’t celebrate it, or experience the traditions that make people love it so much, we are not immune to feeling the pressure of it all once we leave. Many of us are also estranged from our families, at least in part if not fully, and the incessant focus on love and family is like rubbing salt into an open wound. There are also celebrations happening all around us, forcing us to decide whether we want to get involved, and if we do, to what extent.  

To celebrate or not to celebrate?

Many non-JWs would naturally wonder why this is even a question. I mean, if there is an opportunity to celebrate anything, why wouldn’t you? It doesn’t matter how traditions started or if you believe it!

In my experience, ‘normal’ non-JW people celebrate Christmas for a range of different reasons, and the majority have nothing at all to do with religion or the birth of Jesus (this may differ by country though. Australia is quite secular).

For former Witnesses however, Christmas tends to come with at least some sort of JW-shaped baggage. Whether it is the origins you can’t handle, or the fact that it isn’t actually Jesus’ birthday, or you have just been so put off by the commercialism of it all, or you simply struggle with the fact that you and your family never had the fun-filled Christmas gatherings that ‘normal’ families seem to have. It takes time to work out how you feel about it now.

There is no one-size-fits-all approach when it comes to Christmas because our individual situations are so different. However, the following questions may help you identify where you are at and what you may be comfortable with when it comes to Christmas celebrations:

• Are you still religious in some way? If yes, do you believe in Jesus?
• Given Christmas is ostensibly celebrating the birth of Jesus, are you comfortable celebrating birthdays now?
• Have you developed other philosophical views since leaving the JWs that either align with or contrast against celebrations like Christmas?
• Does it still matter to you that Christmas started as a pagan celebration and was then adopted and merged in with Christianity?
• What memories would you like to have when you are older?
• Do you have children? What would you like them to experience? What memories would you like them to have as they grow up?
• If you have a partner, are they also ex-JW? How do they feel about Christmas?
• If your partner is not or has never been a JW, what is their family situation and how do they usually celebrate Christmas?
• Is there anything about Christmas that attracts you?
• Would you like to experience the ‘festive season’, but have no belief in Christmas as a religious holiday?
• Do you see Christmas as over-commercialised, over-hyped nonsense that you want nothing to do with?
• Do you see Christmas as over-commercialised, over-hyped nonsense but you wouldn’t mind joining in just for the fun of it?
• Do you see Christmas as a time of year to break routine, see people you don’t normally get to see, enjoy whatever celebrations come your way, but don’t go too nuts about it all either way?

While not exhaustive, questions like the above may help you get a sense of where you are at in your ‘what-do-I-think-about-Christmas-and-do-I-even-care’ journey. If you find yourself somewhat attracted to the lights and the tinsel, then maybe it is time to give it a go, even in a small way. If, however you find yourself totally abhorred by it all, then maybe don’t don a set of reindeer antlers just yet.  

Some personal observations and reflections from last Christmas

In my own situation, my husband is not and has never been a JW, but he is not too fussed about celebrating Christmas in any traditional sense. He has a large family, and on the Christmases that I wasn’t visiting mine in another state (a mix of JWs and ex-JWs), I would go with him to one of his large family gatherings.

Last year however, it was our turn to have the kids (his kids/my step-kids) for Christmas day. We wanted them to have some happy Christmas memories with us, so we decided to go all out for the first time: Christmas tree, lights, Santa stockings, the lot.

It took six years to get to this point, and even then, I drew the line at a star on top of the tree and popped a koala up there instead. I’m not religious in any way right now, and while I can ignore the underlying religious meaning for most things associated with Christmas, the whole ‘Star of Bethlehem’ on the tree thing was a bit much. A stuffed toy koala didn’t have quite the same effect though I must admit. Maybe I can work out a way to light him up this year…

Christmas Day went like this: A ‘traditional’ Christmas morning at home, with the kids unwrapping present after present and having an absolute ball, totally convinced that somehow Santa delivered the largest ones during the night despite us having no chimney and all doors being locked, then Brett’s dad and step-mum popped around with a gift for the kids that could hardly fit through the door, then we spent the afternoon with his mum’s side of the family at a gathering that included a Secret Santa for the adults, and yep, more presents for the kids, from almost everyone.

In case it helps you work out how you may want to celebrate, or what you may want to avoid, here are a few of my key takeaways from Christmas Day, 2022:

• Christmas day for ‘normal kids’ is very, very, messy (I literally couldn’t see the floor because of all the wrapping paper).
• All of your firmly held beliefs about minimising waste to landfill must be put aside for one day.
• Sometimes, placing size limits on gifts is a good idea.
• It is totally mystifying to be around kids who genuinely believe in Santa.
• You need to be very careful of not accidentally bursting the bubble for kids who genuinely believe in Santa (it is SO hard not to put your foot in it…).
• Giving kids a lot of presents on one day of the year will not make them greedy and ruin them for life. Kids just LOVE presents.
• Kids also love giving presents. Surprise!
• The Bible has at least one thing completely correct: There is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving.
• If you are not religious, a state of blissful ignorance is probably best when it comes to some Christmas traditions.
• It can be incredibly painful to be around families and kids having such a great time at Christmas if:
  • you and/or your siblings didn’t have similar experiences,
  • your own kids didn’t have that experience,
  • you didn’t even have your own kids because of the organisation.
• While it is enjoyable to be around someone else’s family for an entire day, it is also emotionally draining to be part of their Christmas rituals when you and your family never had any of your own.
• You may have a Christmas hangover the next day that has nothing to do with your alcohol intake, but everything to do with the compounding effect of all the little struggles and reminders of inner pain that build up over the course of the day. When it is all over, you are left with your own thoughts about your own life, and your own broken and disjointed family. Thanks JW organisation.  
• However, just like a real hangover, this kind of emotional Christmas hangover also goes away after a day or so.
• Unlike a real hangover though, this kind of hangover has very few, if any, regrets.

Tips for enjoying the holiday season

Regardless of whether you actually celebrate Christmas, it is a time of year when routines change. You will likely find yourself taking some kind of break, even just a short one, and you may end up in situations and conversations that wouldn’t occur in your everyday life. This can bring up thoughts and feelings that you haven’t had the time or opportunity to understand or even notice throughout the rest of the year.

Here are a few tips to help you enjoy this time of year and make the most of every opportunity to create new and happy memories:  

Acceptance. We can’t change the fact that our experiences are very different to that of ‘normal’ people and ‘normal’ families. Accept that your life is a bit different, and that is ok. Allowing anger and resentment to take over will not help you enjoy anything. Take a breath, let it go, and practice acceptance: of yourself, and your life.

Allow yourself to relax. Christmas celebrations can have a way of taking unexpected turns that you may not be comfortable with, but try to just go with it. Nothing bad will happen if you find yourself roped into a Secret Santa, or sampling eggnog and Christmas pudding for the first time.

Don’t take things too seriously. As a JW, everything is life and death, but it’s not like that anymore! You won’t be put to death at Armageddon for wearing a Santa hat or covering yourself in glitter. If celebrating Christmas is something you would like to try, whether it is for your kids or yourself, test it out and see how it feels to get into the spirit of things. You don’t have to like all the traditions, but you may be surprised at the amount of fun you can have if you stop taking things too seriously.

Some painful thoughts and feelings may come up, and this is normal. When it happens, don’t try to suppress them (this doesn’t work), just sit with them. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel, because in all fairness, you probably haven’t done this much before. Your feelings are valid, you are allowed to have them, and getting to know yourself in this way will help you work out how to move forward. Painful feelings will pass, but if you do feel overwhelmed at any point, reach out to a trusted confidant, or seek out a qualified counsellor.

Remember that it is very difficult for anyone who has not been a Witness to fully understand how deeply it can affect our lives. Sharing painful things with anyone who does not understand can just lead to more pain, so be selective in what you share and with whom. This is not to say you shouldn’t share, just to be reasonable in what you can expect from others. Your trusted confidant and/or counsellor is your go-to here, not your mate’s affable but slightly drunk Uncle Tom.

Remember that you get to make new memories now. Whether you want to celebrate Christmas in a ‘traditional’ sense, or just do your own thing in your own way, whatever that looks like now. If you do want to celebrate, don’t hold back because of any irrelevant and unhelpful JW reasons, but by the same token, don’t force yourself into things you aren’t comfortable with for other, non-JW but equally unhelpful reasons.

As with anything after leaving the JWs, it is a journey, and the fun is in the discovery of yourself, and your needs, wants, likes, and dislikes, along the way.

Whatever you choose, savour it

As former JWs, there is plenty we can do if we are not currently able to be with family. You could plan something with friends, or simply take some time to relax on your own (and be grateful that your life is now yours, not an organisation’s). Remember too that family does not need to be blood relatives, or even human for that matter! Family can be anyone who accepts and loves you as you are, and you them, and in my opinion, this absolutely includes pets.

If you are on the proactive side, you could lend a hand to charities and organisations who tend to get swamped at Christmas time, such as homeless shelters and animal shelters. Don’t feel any pressure to do things you aren’t comfortable with, but by the same token, you may surprise yourself if you do get out of your comfort zone a bit.

This is a time that marks the end of one year and the start of another. No matter who you are and what your beliefs are, it is a great time to reflect on your past year, the progress you have made and what you have learnt, to make plans and set goals for the next one, and hopefully enjoy a break from your normal routine. Whatever you choose, savour it, and enjoy it as much as you can. There may be some painful moments, but with pain, also comes growth.

Right now, Christmas may feel bitter-sweet, but as the years go by, and with a bit of effort to make new memories, it will be more sweet than bitter.

So, Happy Christmas everyone. Stay safe, and see you on the other side.

Renee

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[1] https://www.relationships.org.au/document/december-2016-christmas-stress/; The Christmas effect on Psychopathology: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3257984/