I was born into the Jehovah’s Witness religion and have four generations of JWs on one side of my family, and three on the other. Mum was (and still is) a staunch JW, but my Dad, not so much. I think he really only got baptised to marry Mum. They split when my brother and I were still very young, and we lived with Mum and were raised according to her strict interpretation of JW life and principles. We toed the line until we were teens, but by then we were like springs that had been held too tightly for too long. We were desperate to fit in at school and just live normal lives!

Things became very strained at home. Mum couldn’t cope with us rebelling and was devastated that the ‘JW formula’ for raising good JW children had not worked in our case. My brother went to live with Dad when he was 14, and a few years later, when I was also 14, I was kicked out and put into a state-run home for girls.

From this time until my mid-twenties I lived a varied and ‘worldly’ life, firstly finishing high-school and college, with all the partying and craziness that goes along with that, then travelling, studying a few different certifications, and working in restaurants, pubs, clubs, and a variety of other jobs. It was fun, but by the time I reached my mid-twenties I felt like I wanted more, so I turned back to the religion I had been raised in.

It was 2008 when I started studying with the Witnesses again, and I also started at university in the same year. I’m so grateful for the timing on this. If it had been even one year later I may never have gone, because by then I knew how strongly the religion disapproves of higher education. It’s funny, but I had forgotten pretty much everything about the religion other than it was meant to be ‘the Truth’. I even remember asking the sister who studied with me, ‘so how does Jesus fit in to all of this?’.

After two years of studying, basically convincing myself that this is what I wanted and needed, I was baptised at a JW convention in April 2010.

My adult experience of being a baptised Witness was just one long period of cognitive dissonance and frustration at the ridiculousness of the JW teachings, culture, and rules, which ended up in total burnout and isolation. There were so many things I didn’t agree with and I felt judged all the time. Nothing I said and did was ever good enough. Once, after just saying something I thought was common sense, I was promptly informed that I ‘sounded like a disfellowshipped person’. On another occasion, someone else told me that I ‘sounded like an apostate’. I had no idea what apostates even thought and was shocked that someone had said that to me.

Regardless of how hard it was and how unhappy I was though, it was ‘the Truth’. It was the ‘right’ way to live. I also genuinely wanted to please Jehovah, and many of my family were JWs, so I did my best to hang in there. I felt like a hypocrite the whole time though. I remember sitting at meetings wondering how much of all this garbage I could disagree with and still call myself a Witness. It was tearing me up inside, and despite studying psychology at Uni, I was totally unable to see what was happening. 

After almost eight years of misery I was hanging by a thread, and it was around this time I met my future husband. It was then that I finally thought, ‘You know what, it’s worth it. If I don’t give it a shot with this man I will regret it for the rest of my life.’ So I met with the Elders to let them know of my intentions, and I couldn’t believe what they said. They actually told me to do the wrong thing (as in sleep with him) and get myself disfellowshipped rather than disassociating! What the??

I simply couldn’t understand why they would want me to hurt Jehovah like that. My man realised straight away that it was because they wanted to have the power over when and how I left, but there was no way I would give them the satisfaction of kicking me out when I had done nothing worthy of disfellowshipping. I was going to leave while still in ‘clean’ standing, and on my own terms, for what it was worth to Jehovah. I still believed in God and didn’t want to displease him, but I could not live like a JW anymore. I didn’t care if I died at Armageddon, I was already dying inside.

I disassociated in early 2017, and it was difficult for all the usual reasons that anyone who leaves the religion finds it difficult: How much it would hurt my family, losing family and friends who were JWs, losing my ‘good name’, and hurting Jehovah. But it had to be done.

I remember the moment when it dawned on me that I was finally free. It was like a heavy weight had been lifted. I could finally do all the small things I wanted to do without guilt, like listen to the music I liked without feeling like I was letting Jehovah down because I was meant to be a Witness. I could just be me. The relief was incredible!

It was around this time that I first heard the Jehovah’s Witnesses described as a high-control group, and as I mention on my ‘About’ page, this absolutely fascinated me. I didn’t even know what it meant for someone to be controlling! This kicked off my recovery journey, but it was still several more years before I fully ‘woke up’ to all of the organisation’s lies and harmful practices.

My then-future-husband and I got married in 2019, and in the years since he has continued to patiently put up with my ex-JW recovery in full colour. He has two children from a former marriage who stay with us part-time, and just being around them shows me how a ‘normal’ upbringing without religion forced upon it can be so free and empowering.

This is what inspired me to write this blog. Everyone deserves to experience life without the devastating impacts of coercive control.   

I live in Australia, and I still have family who are JWs that I am lucky enough to have limited contact with. I don’t want to make it any harder than it already is for them to have anything to do with me though, so I don’t use my full name here.

Maybe one day I will write up my full story, with all of the ridiculous ins-and-outs that come with re-joining the religion as an adult with an independent mind.

But maybe, there is really no need. Any of us who have lived it don’t really need to hear yet another story of life in the religion. We all know what it is like to have a mind that has been told from birth that this is ‘the Truth’, and we all know how it feels when we realise what the real truth is.

What we really need is to learn how to move forward. How to build a meaningful and satisfying life after leaving. I hope the content of my blog will help you in some small way with this.

Wishing you all the best.

Renee