In Part 1 we identified three reasons why implementing an effective self-care routine is so difficult for former JWs:

1. A lack of self-worth and identity
2. We have learnt the art of ‘pointless productivity’
3. Still believing we must not ‘use the world to the full’

So where to now?

We will now explore three corresponding ways to address these challenges, to help us make self-care a priority in our lives.

1. Back to basics: Identify what you need, and learn to ask for it

This may sound so simple and slightly boring, but working out what you actually need and learning to ask for it is a core skill we never learn as JWs. As mentioned in Part 1, if you don’t know what someone needs, it is impossible to care for them, and applies to ourselves too.

Now that the JW restrictions are gone and all that time previously dedicated to theocratic activities is your own, you can test out what works for you, and what you need, with much more freedom:

• How much exercise do you need?
• What types of exercise do you enjoy?
• How much sleep do you need?
• What type of work works for you? (see earlier posts on this topic here)
• How much socialising works for you?
• What sort of people do you want in your life?
• What helps you relieve stress?
• What makes you feel good?
• Do you need to shake up your food/eating regime now you have some mental space to think about it?
• If you could choose what you want to do for an entire day, what does that look like?
• Is there a way to try and get more of what you enjoy in your life?
• How are your finances? Do you need some help getting on track?
• Is there anything you are struggling with right now?
• What resources are available to help?

Naming emotions can help you work it out

As JWs, we were completely out of touch with our emotions. All of our own genuine feelings needed to be suppressed in favour of the mask of happiness required to be ‘God’s happy people’. As a result, it is incredibly hard to describe how we may be feeling beyond the basics, ie. happy, sad, angry, annoyed.

If you are feeling a bit all over the place, with things just not right or issues in various aspects of your life and you are not sure what to do, or you find yourself thinking, re-thinking, and over-thinking a particular problem, try to identify the precise emotion/s you are feeling. Name them, and use adjectives to describe them.

Brene Brown’s book, ‘Atlas of the heart’ was recommended to me recently and while I have not yet finished it, I highly recommend it. She covers 87 emotions organised into groups (included in the link provided), with the aim of helping readers understand how their emotions work and what it all means. There are also various tools online called ‘emotion wheels’, or ‘feelings wheels’, that name and group emotions into various categories.[1]

The point of this is to understand where a particular emotion comes from, to help you work out what to do from there. Brene Brown uses the analogy of someone going to the doctor in immense pain, but they are gagged and can’t talk so they can’t describe their symptoms. How could the doctor help this person? They couldn’t.

The same is true for us. We need to be able to describe what we are feeling to work out where it is coming from or what is going on, before we can have any idea what to do about it. Sometimes the answer is nothing. The emotion is warning you of something that you now no longer need to be concerned about, so you just let it be. Other times though it can provide immense clarity as to what the issue actually is, which helps you work out what you need to move forward.

Boundaries

JWs simply don’t have boundaries. We allow the organisation to dictate every aspect of our lives, and don’t even notice when they are over-stepping the mark (which is literally all the time). I had never even heard of boundaries until years after leaving.

Taking care of yourself sometimes requires us to put some boundaries in place. It can be difficult because you may need to say ‘no’ to people you have never said no to before, and there are also situations where we can’t actually have the boundaries we would like.

For example, you can’t necessarily have your ideal boundaries with your boss because you need to get work done and keep your job. You can’t work four days a week if the job requires five, but, you can discuss what is required of you to manage expectations, and offer alternatives if you need some flexibility (such as to leave at a certain time to collect your kids, or go to an appointment, but offering to make it up at another time).  

Boundaries can be as simple as asking someone to stop doing something you don’t like, or not tolerating disrespectful behaviour now that you know how to spot it. They can also be as difficult and painful as breaking up a relationship.

Sometimes even small adjustments in your routine will require boundaries if it affects others. For example, you may realise that it is best for you to get your exercise in at a certain time of day, or that you need some time to yourself for a few hours, but your partner has other ideas. In this situation you will likely need to explain why you need what you need and how it helps you, for them to be more supportive.

You may also need to set boundaries for yourself, ie. going to bed or getting up at a certain time, or not looking at screens after a certain time. If you do this, do your best to follow through, otherwise you will learn that you can’t be trusted, and you won’t take notice of any future boundaries you may set for yourself!

And remember, as much as we may wish it to be possible, other people can’t read our minds. They may ask something totally unreasonable of you without the slightest clue as to why it could be perceived as so outrageous, and it is up to you to say ‘no’.

2. Think about what you are doing, and why

We flogged ourselves as JWs because we were promised a magical ‘end point’ where our hard work would all pay off. After the resurrected people had been witnessed to, the theocratic hamster wheel would be a thing of the past. All our needs would be met, and we would happily spend our lives doing goodness knows what, forever.

Now though, this is it. There is no magical ‘end point’ that will suddenly fix anything that isn’t going right in our lives. It is up to us, up to you, so it is well worth the investment of your time to analyse what you are doing and why you are doing it.

Your life is not about earning salvation anymore. You don’t need to ‘pummel your body and lead it as a slave’ anymore. You get to define your values and why you do what you do. If you find you are doing something that does not line up with your values, or serves no purpose whatsoever anymore, it either needs to be changed or removed. Removing activities or behaviours that don’t serve us anymore will also free up time and brain space for more important things.

The Eisenhower matrix[2] can be extremely useful if we struggle to recognise what genuinely needs to be done versus all of the less urgent things vying for our attention. It has four categories:

• Urgent and important
• Urgent and not important
• Non-urgent and important
• Non-urgent and not important

As a JW, everything related to the organisation was in the top category, ‘urgent and important’, and everything else wasn’t. But now, your priorities and the level of urgency will change depending on your values, what is important to you, what you have going on in your life at any given time, and where you are in the course of your life.

Identifying your values, along with any unhelpful behaviours and thought patterns, will help you prioritise your time effectively and ensure you don’t just go and find another, equally unproductive hamster wheel to flog yourself on. It can also help pull you out of a post-JW slump if you have one, because you finally get a glimpse of who you actually are and what you really care about. See previous post: Recovery priority #1: Get to know yourself.

3. Accept that now, you are part of this world

‘Learned helplessness’ is a phenomenon that happens to animals and humans alike when they have been living under severe restrictions for a long time.[3] Once the restrictions are gone, they act as if they are still there because they have become so accustomed to them. Imagine a rat who always receives a shock if he goes past a certain point in his cage. Once he has learned never to do that, the shock can be turned off but he will never go past that point again.

In the same way, the belief that we should not ‘use the world to the full’ because we never want to ‘take advantage of Satan’s system’, taught us to live under severe restrictions, too scared to stray too far in case we crossed the boundary into that terrible place known as ‘the world’.

But now, the boundary is gone. You are no longer limited by all the former JW restrictions about what you can or cannot welcome into your life. You don’t have to avoid the world – in fact you can’t, you are in it now!

Being part of the world means you can make the most of anything (ideally that’s legal and won’t hurt others) that brings you joy, improves the quality of your life as defined by your values, and helps you take care of yourself.

If an appliance will save you time and make your life easier, and it is within your budget to buy it, do it. If you want to explore alternative medicines and therapy (…yoga!), do it. If you need to see a financial planner or get some help budgeting, do it. If you want to fit in more time for exercise, hobbies, or anything that helps you recharge (OMG… massage?! or ‘frivolous’ fun activity?!), do it.

Yes, the world and life outside the organisation can be tough, but it also has a lot to offer you and teach you. So don’t be afraid of it. Don’t be like the rat (or any other cute fluffy animal that takes your fancy) who can’t overcome his prior adverse conditioning and see that there is so much more to explore.

There is no need to live like a JW anymore

We went through all that effort to leave, so don’t live like a JW when you don’t need to! Don’t take the hard road all the time just because that is what you have always done. Now, there is no medal, no place in the new world, for painting the kingdom hall with a toothbrush (this was a real example given by an elder in my congregation once, to demonstrate the importance of ‘obedience’).

No one deserves to be coerced into wasting their lives away, flogging themselves with pointless, mind-numbing tasks to earn something that is meant to be a gift of ‘undeserved kindness’ anyway. You are worth more than that and you deserve more than that. Now, you get to choose how you spend your free time, and as you redesign your life, remember that self-care deserves to be fairly and squarely in the ‘urgent and important’ category, possibly for the first time ever.

Until next time, take care (literally!)

Renee  

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[1] https://www.betterup.com/blog/emotion-wheel; https://acorncounseling.services/education/dbt-skills-emotion-regulation/attachment/650_feelings-wheel-color/;

[2] https://todoist.com/productivity-methods/eisenhower-matrix; https://www.microsoft.com/en-us/microsoft-365-life-hacks/organization/how-to-use-the-eisenhower-matrix;

[3] https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-learned-helplessness-2795326#:~:text=Learned%20helplessness%20occurs%20when%20a%20person%20who%20has,to%20an%20aversive%20stimulus%20that%20it%20cannot%20escape; https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/learned-helplessness;