It’s a well-established fact that we learn what love looks like from those around us as we are growing up. While some of us may have had strong examples of loving relationships modelled by our parents or caregivers, chances are, if your family were Jehovah’s Witnesses, all of you were at least somewhat affected by the JW version of love.

The JW version of love is not real love. It is conditional, transactional, and quite simply, unsafe. Genuine love is based on accepting someone as they are, boosting them up, and allowing them to be themselves. This doesn’t mean accepting bad behaviour or abuse, but it does mean working together to have respectful, healthy relationships.  

At the end of the day, love is everything. Nearly every person who has almost died recounts how, in that moment, all they could think of were their loved ones and how they wished they had spent more time with them, or been more caring and less impatient, or whatever it may be.  

Genuine, loving relationships are possible in our post-JW lives, but we may need to let go of some of our former notions of what love actually looks like.

The JW version of love

As a JW, you most likely believed the Witnesses were the most loving organisation on earth: the literal embodiment of everything listed at 1 Corinthians 13:4-6. To paraphrase that passage: Love is patient, kind, not jealous, does not get puffed up or brag, does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked, does not keep account of the injury, and does not rejoice over unrighteousness.

But do the JWs practice what they preach? Let’s do a quick check against their own definition of love based on 1 Corinthians 13:4-6:

Patience: JW elders are anything but patient if you express any doubts or do anything not in line with the organisation’s requirements. They may try to sound patient when dealing with members, but in reality, their patience lasts only as long as your willingness to agree with them and change your behaviour.

Kindness: The JWs take a so-called ‘cruel to be kind’ approach with disfellowshipping and shunning, believing that depriving family and friends of companionship will encourage them to come back. In reality, this is emotional blackmail. Forcing someone they apparently ‘love’ into social isolation, in order to achieve an outcome they want. They are only ever actually ‘kind’ to other Witnesses, which, as we now know, is not true kindness.

Does not get jealous: The Governing Body does everything it can to ensure that the organisation is the sole focus of your life. They do not want you to have any other competing interests, and the way they coerce members to comply is an example of extreme jealousy. If they weren’t jealous, they would not mind how you spent your time or how much of your time you gave to ‘theocratic activities’.  

Does not get puffed up or brag (isn’t full of self or self-important): The JWs claim that they are the only organisation on earth that has God’s approval. This in itself is an example of extreme self-importance. And because members genuinely believe this, they also tend to have a superior view of themselves, their lives, and their choices. In other words, they are all a bit ‘puffed up’ with their own importance. They look down on people who are not JWs, anyone stupid enough to turn them away at the door, and anyone ‘weak’ enough to want to leave the organisation. If they weren’t so full of themselves, they would not have such a disdainful view of anyone and everyone who is not a JW.  

Does not behave indecently: If you believe that the JWs don’t behave indecently, this means you believe their treatment of CSA victims is decent, shunning people you apparently love just because they no longer live the way you do is decent, that dictating every aspect of members lives is decent, that believing only your group has God’s backing and will survive Armageddon is decent, and that forcing members to stay single because they can’t get a ‘scriptural divorce’ despite having a legal one, is decent. There are so many examples of the organisation behaving indecently yet they somehow manage to put a positive spin on all of it.

Does not look for its own interests: This is referring to selfishness and putting yourself first at the expense of others. The Governing Body is great at this. It cares more about being right, and how the organisation looks to people on the outside, than the members already in it.

At no point has the organisation ever admitted fault in anything. They are right, therefore, if you can’t meet their standards, there is something wrong with you. It gives members no other choice but to blame themselves when they can’t meet the organisation’s impossibly high expectations. There is simply no chance the organisation could be wrong, therefore it must be you. The organisation would rather you feel terrible about yourself because this will keep you working even harder to earn your salvation, which serves their purposes perfectly. Recruitment, boosting numbers, and appearing to outsiders as ‘God’s happy people’, is what they care about, not you.

Image is everything to this organisation, and the recent change in stance on beards is a fantastic example. The fact that brothers with facial hair were never allowed to have ‘privileges’ shows just how image-obsessed and controlling they really are. And yet, when they changed their minds, there was no apology for decades of unfair discrimination. It was just, yep, we have changed it. Be grateful and don’t ask questions. If you do ask questions, you are being unsupportive and not ‘keeping up with Jehovah’s chariot’. The Governing Body literally told members how they should feel and how they should react. Watch it for yourself here on JW.org.[1]

Does not become provoked: Becoming ‘provoked’ refers to eliciting a reaction such as getting annoyed, angry, or even retaliation. So, does the JW organisation become provoked? One word: Lawsuits.

The organisation has a reputation for being highly litigious and clearly gets provoked at the thought of looking bad to the public (demonstrated by the numerous legal cases it is fighting, particularly relating to CSA[2]), the loss of taxation privileges (it was only after this was threatened that they then complied with the recommendations from the Australian Royal Commission into CSA[3]), or threats to its control (such as in Norway where it was ruled that they are not allowed to shun former members[4]).

In the case of CSA, lawyers have stated that the JW’s have a ‘global problem’ and that the organisation ‘drags cases out until the last possible moment, then settles to avoid a courtroom examination of its practices’.[5]

None of this is reflective of a loving organisation that cares about its members and remains ‘unprovoked’.  

Does not keep account of the injury: JWs love to keep account of the injury because it validates their persecution complex. Christ’s ‘true’ followers were apparently meant to be persecuted, so including examples of persecution in their talks and presentations helps justify their ‘martyr-like’ status.

Does not rejoice over unrighteousness: Even just claiming they are the one true religion is rejoicing over unrighteousness, because by default, everyone else is unrighteous and therefore, ‘well done us’ for being in the right category. This encourages a total lack of empathy for anyone or anything perceived as ‘unrighteous’. I clearly remember several talks where elders pointed to scandals in other churches and said how much better, safer, and purer, the JWs were by comparison.

There is a great German word for this: Schadenfreude, which literally means deriving pleasure or happiness from bad things happening to other people. I would argue the JWs experience some level of Schadenfreude at considering themselves to be God’s chosen people, looking forward to the time when all the bad people will be ‘done away with’.

These are just a few examples against the JW’s own criteria for love. While they preach one thing, in practice, JW love is the complete opposite of 1 Corinthians 13:4-6. The hypocrisy is astonishing.

What does this teach us about love?

If we are around this kind of ‘love’, particularly as we are growing up and forming our blueprint for what love is meant to look like, we learn that love is superficial, transactional, judgemental, and selfish. We should only love people who are like us, and it is perfectly ok to either ignore or not empathise with those who don’t live the same way we do. Love must be earned, and it can be lost at any time.  

In short, we learn that love is not safe.

The organisation as a narcissistic parent

JW love actually has many elements in common with how narcissistic parents show love to their children. If we think of the organisation as a parent, which is what they encourage us to do, how many of the following can you spot?

Signs of a narcissistic parent (adapted from hopefulpanda.com and shared by my counsellor[6]):

• They care a lot about how they appear to others
• They are extremely competitive
• They ‘love you’ only when it benefits them
• They put their needs and wants first
• They have to be right
• They don’t seem to care about your feelings
• They make you feel bad about yourself
• They don’t treat you like your own person
• They make you feel guilty for what they do for you
• They accuse you of things that they are
• They make you doubt yourself and your experiences
• They manipulate or take advantage of you for their own benefit
• They don’t take responsibility or apologise
• They control all aspects of your life
• They find ways to hurt you without looking like the bad guy
• They demand obedience and have unreasonable expectations
• They constantly violate your boundaries
• They play favourites with their children
• They blame you for things that aren’t your fault
• They set you up for failure
• They give you their responsibilities
• The intimidate you or punish you if you don’t obey them.

If we aren’t aware of the impacts of having at least one narcissistic ‘parent’ in our lives, the JW organisation, we risk believing that this is what love looks like and bringing some of the above traits to our own relationships, or thinking that being treated in these ways is normal.  

So, what does real love actually look like?

Basically, the opposite of all the above.

Real, unconditional love is safe. It’s realistic. It does not expect more of you than you can give. It cares about your feelings, it takes its share of accountability and does not blame any one person or thing for a given issue or situation. Real love shows respect by treating you as an individual with your own wants, needs, and desires. Real love does not punish you for something it said or did. Real love accepts that you have faults, and so do they.

Real love is not about conformity and doing everything possible to make someone happy, or vice versa, out of fear you will lose that love if you don’t. Fear, intimidation, emotional blackmail, put downs, and threats of punishment, have no place in loving relationships. 

Let’s take the above list at 1 Corinthians again but with examples of what love is meant to look like:

Patience: Someone who is patient takes the time to get to know you, understand you, and listen to you. They do not get irritated or impatient when they can’t convince you to think the same way they do. They accept that people are different, and different does not mean ‘wrong’.

Kindness: Someone who is kind takes a genuine interest in you and cares about your feelings. They don’t judge you or shame you, but rather, they will provide emotional support for you and help you pick up the pieces when things go wrong.

Does not get jealous: Someone who is not jealous will not try to control you. They don’t mind how you spend your time or who you spend it with. They allow you to be your own person, and they don’t need you to live a certain way for them to be happy.

Does not get puffed up or brag (isn’t full of self or self-important): Someone who is not self-important recognises that they are not superior to everyone else in this world. They know they are human and have faults just like everyone else. They learn from others and take responsibility for their own actions, rather than blaming everyone and everything else for things that go wrong. They will not be phased if you do something embarrassing when you are with them in public, but will laugh with you and help you feel better about it.

Does not behave indecently: Someone who behaves decently shows respect to others no matter who they are. They acknowledge boundaries and if you say ‘no’, they will accept it, rather than feel threatened by it and try to manipulate you into changing that ‘no’ to a ‘yes’, and then lash out at you if you still resist. A decent person generally wants to do the right thing and will make amends when they fall short.

Does not look for its own interests (is not selfish): An unselfish person does not need to be right all the time. They will think about others and how they feel, and will not put you down or try to convince you that you are wrong just to make themselves feel better. An unselfish person thinks about your needs and wants as well as their own, and will work with you to, rather than against you. An unselfish person will not have their needs met at the expense of yours.

Does not become provoked: This is someone who remains calm and in control of themselves. They recognise that they can’t control others, but they can control their own reactions to people, situations, and events. The sentence, ‘Look what you made me do!’, is not in their vocabulary.

They will not use fear, threats of punishment, anger, or intimidation to get their own way, or to force someone to behave a certain way to please them. They will explain their point of view, wait their turn to speak, and know how to manage themselves if they do start to get angry (ie. leave the room until they have calmed down). Someone who does not get provoked will not lash out, and will not go to extreme lengths to prove a point.

Does not keep account of the injury: Someone who ‘does not keep account of the injury’ is generous in their dealings with others. They tend to view people positively and are ready and willing to forgive. They will not keep bringing up old issues or track the number of times you have hurt them, but will allow you to move on after apologising and reconciling. They quite simply have a generous spirit.

Does not rejoice over unrighteousness: We have probably all felt at times that someone deserved what was coming to them, but someone who ‘does not rejoice over unrighteousness’ will not necessarily feel happy about it. Rather, they will just hope that the person learns from it and can improve as a result. People like this will not judge you when you’ve done something you are ashamed of. They genuinely want you to be happy, and are also genuinely happy for you when you achieve something have been working towards.

While Schadenfreude is admittedly an awesome word, I would argue the opposite isn’t too shabby either: Freudenfreude: Feeling happiness and enjoyment in another person’s success.

For me, going through that passage at 1 Corinthians again but for what love should be, rather than what we experienced as JWs, makes me feel so grateful that I left the Witnesses. And while it hurts that so many years were wasted, thinking that the JW version of love was normal, I’m just so glad for the chance to do it all differently.

To sum up

Let’s not wait until we have a near death experience before we get a real perspective on love and how we want to be in our relationships with others. 

If you love someone, you:

• Want to know what they are thinking and feeling
• Celebrate their good points and boost them up
• Listen to them and help them pick up the pieces when something goes wrong
• Want them to have good experiences
• Accept that there are things you may never like about them, but love them anyway
• Learn to find their foibles funny and endearing
• Find kind ways to share how their behaviour may have affected or upset you
• Tackle the problem, not the person, when issues arise

If you love someone, you don’t:

• Bring them down when they are on a high
• Shame them or judge them for behaving in a way you don’t approve of
• Ignore their attempts to connect with you
• Tell them how to think or feel about anything
• Worry about how they will make you look
• Blame them for things you did or at least partially caused in some way
• Tell them how to live
• Force your values on them

To normal people, this is probably all so simple it is almost boring, but when you have learned an unhealthy, cult-like type of love, it takes time, experience, and lots of getting it wrong before you can get it right. Your default may currently be to shut down when things get tough, or to lash out, because you don’t yet have the skills to know what to do when conflict arises. 

Underreacting or overreacting to anything is the result of past trauma.[7] Anytime you overreact (get angry) or underreact (go numb), get curious. Ask yourself, what am I reacting to here? 

Most likely it’s not that your partner insulted your intelligence or that your boss seemingly over-looked you that’s causing the reaction, but rather something, or a series of somethings, that happened long ago. So, what is it? Work it out, and tackle that, not the other person.

A trained counsellor or psychologist can be really helpful with this kind of thing, so reach out for help if you need to.  

Healthy relationships are possible

If you call out the JW version of love for what it is: transactional, judgemental, conditional, and unsafe, then, learn what real love actually looks like and implement those standards for behaviour in your own life, you can create genuinely caring, respectful, and loving relationships after leaving the Jehovah’s Witnesses. It’s not easy, but it’s definitely possible.

Until next time, wishing y’all loads of love and Freudenfreude,

Renee

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Useful Links

The Gottman Institute website: https://www.gottman.com/about/research/

The Gottman Institute YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/TheGottmanInstitute

Great interview with the Gottman’s on the Diary of a CEO podcast/YT channel: https://open.spotify.com/episode/1QfSNguyA5F4A6WqkWwsAC?si=1efb050ffe4b466e

The School of Life YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/schooloflifechannel

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[1] https://www.jw.org/en/news/region/global/2023-Governing-Body-Update-8/

[2] https://www.abc.net.au/news/2021-09-13/jehovah-witnesses-child-abuse-four-corners-investigations/100444320, https://www.abc.net.au/news/2024-01-29/jehovahs-witnesses-not-reporting-all-child-sex-abuse-to-police-/103320582, https://www.npr.org/2020/01/09/795019348/montana-court-reverses-35-million-child-abuse-verdict-against-jehovahs-witnesses, https://apnews.com/article/jehovahs-witnesses-child-abuse-pennsylvania-investigation-c08b543d8b0b69e03d3c2eba08526cf0

[3] https://www.abc.net.au/news/2021-09-10/jehovahs-witnesses-sign-up-to-sexual-abuse-redress-scheme/100449204

[4] Jehovah’s Witnesses to Appeal Unconstitutional Ruling in Norway (jw.org); State wins over Jehovas Witness’ complaint – Norway’s News in English — www.newsinenglish.no

[5] https://www.abc.net.au/news/2021-09-13/jehovah-witnesses-child-abuse-four-corners-investigations/100444320

[6] Simon Tidy – Let’s Talk Counselling and Psychotherapy

[7] Quote: David Nielson – Couples Counsellor