Damn. It was three days out from my husband’s birthday and I realised I had done it again: Totally forgotten it. “I’m so sorry!’ I exclaimed, thoroughly disappointed in myself, ‘I’m just not used to remembering birthdays!’.

We’ve probably all had a similar experience at one time or another because as former JWs, we likely struggle to remember our own birthday, let alone anyone else’s. It’s just so unimportant that it barely makes our radar.

The JW experience and celebrations

While it may not be the experience of every former JW who was raised in the religion, it’s not unrealistic to connect the lack of celebration and genuine enjoyment while growing up with an inability to relax and enjoy life now, including celebrating various events and achievements, big or small.

As JW kids we were not out having fun. We were not celebrating our birthdays with our loved ones around us all wishing us well (only selfish kids expect attention like this). We were not feeling good about any personal achievements because these were due to ‘God-given’ abilities anyway. We were not generally enjoying a carefree, innocent, childhood. We were out with our parents preaching about the downfall of mankind, and by default, our friends.

I have a distinct memory of looking at my two best friends in Grade 2 and realising that if their parents didn’t become Witnesses, they would die at Armageddon. While it made me sad, I also felt a strange responsibility not to tell them because it would wreck their innocence. At the ripe old age of 7 or so, I was already weighed down with things that kids should never be weighed down with. And not just me. All JW kids.

Fu@k how depressing!!

Then as we got older, celebrating or having ‘too much fun’ of any kind (other than the memorial and celebrating the fact that you were lucky enough to be chosen by God to be one of his people) was frowned upon as dangerous, potentially leading to misconduct and/or being enticed away from the organisation, resulting in your expulsion and ultimate death.

Celebration was something to be feared because if it all went wrong, it basically meant disfellowshipping, shunning, isolation, misery, and death. Great.

This is exactly why we need to learn to celebrate after leaving the Witnesses!

The benefits of celebrating

Far from being trivial, unimportant, or something to be feared, making time to celebrate has so many benefits. It helps us get through hard times, it builds resilience because it gives us things to look forward to, and it generally contributes to an overall sense of wellbeing and improved life satisfaction, which, at the end of the day, is probably what will matter most when our time comes.

What to celebrate?

Short answer: Everything.

Celebrate the big stuff such as finally completing a large project, or course of study, or achieving anything that is a big deal to you, by doing something special, either with others or on your own. Go out for a meal or treat yourself to something you have wanted to do, see, experience, or buy.  

Celebrate the small things by just letting yourself feel good about it for a day. For example, since adopting our rescue greyhound, every day that goes by and our home is still in-tact and nothing beyond a tinkle on the carpet has occurred, well, that’s an awesome day for me.

Celebrate the fact that you are not a JW anymore by doing things you previously could not or would not have done (or at least not without guilt). Listen to the music you want to listen to. Watch the movies you want to watch. Work as much as you like without worrying about being late for a meeting. Sleep in on a Saturday. The freedom that comes with being a witness no more is worth celebrating, every day.

Celebrate the everyday things too, such as having all of your senses; getting through your work day; tidying your home and/or garden; keeping your kids, pets, and/or plants alive and healthy; having a clean floor even just temporarily until everyone wrecks it again; the fact that you have a floor to clean. There is so much in our everyday lives that is good. We just need to look for it.

Celebrate literally anything you are grateful for, and yes, by all means celebrate events like birthdays too.

Birthdays

For former JWs this word has meaning that ‘normal’ people simply cannot understand.

A few years after leaving the religion, my work colleagues found out it was my birthday and decided to all sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to me on a zoom call. I hated every second and couldn’t wait for it to stop. Aside from feeling like my privacy had been violated (no one should have had access to my birthdate in the first place), it brought up feelings that I can only best describe as disgust and revulsion. I sat through it as best I could and tried to at least visibly hide what I was feeling. I reminded myself that, to them, this was a totally normal and fun thing to do. They had no idea that what they were doing was so painful.

Since then, I have learnt a lot about birthdays by attending my step-kid’s birthday parties. At first, events like these would make me feel sad because my brother and I (and every other JW kid) never had them, and I was also worried that they were self-indulgent events that would make my step-kids selfish and greedy.

What I learned though is that the opposite happens.

The joy on a child’s face when their entire family and a bunch of friends are around them, enjoying the day with them and wishing them happy birthday, is incredible to see. They feel so loved. So ‘full’. Yes, they love the presents, but the most important thing is that they feel important to the people who are meant to care about them.

Far from making a selfish child, experiences like these make a generous one. When a child receives the love they need, they have no hole to fill. No unmet needs. They feel good about themselves and their lives, which makes them more likely, not less, to show generosity to others.

You can’t give what you don’t have, and if you had no love and kindness shown to you, it’s difficult to then give that to others. I now see birthdays as just a way to make sure kids get the love they need, which in-turn, gives them a better chance of becoming an adult who can be generous with their love to others, because they have no resentment about their own lack of it.

Birthday celebrations, for kids or anyone, are just a way to show you care. They aren’t evil, and they won’t turn you into an entitled, self-indulgent prick. So the next time someone wants to help you celebrate yours, just go with it, and appreciate the fact that they care enough about you to want to.

Learning to celebrate

As former JWs, celebrating does not come naturally. It is something we need to learn, and as with anything we are learning for the first time, it can be uncomfortable.

The first thing is to let go of resentment. It is hard to enjoy anything if you are full of resentment about all of the ways your childhood was so devoid of fun and how your ability to enjoy life was squashed at every turn.

If you allow resentment to continue to rob you of fun and enjoyment now, you are allowing the past to influence your life now. Don’t give up your life now for the sake of things that are long gone. Your past does not deserve to have that power. The JW ways were once part of your life, but they aren’t anymore. Leave the JW mindset where it belongs: in the past.

Manage your mind. If your old JW thoughts pop up to derail you and tell you that all this celebrating is frivolous nonsense, just recognise them for what they are: An old defence mechanism warning you of danger. As JWs it was dangerous to celebrate and have fun, goodness knows what it could lead to. But that isn’t the case anymore, and you don’t need those warnings anymore. Let them prattle along in the background while you go on enjoying whatever it is you want to enjoy.

Be happy for others when they celebrate. If you can be genuinely happy for others when you see they are happy, rather than wondering how whatever it was could make them so happy, this will not only help you celebrate their achievements but your own also.

Allow others to celebrate for you and with you. As JWs, particularly in relation to birthdays, it can be extremely hard to allow others to celebrate for you and with you. We are brought up to think that birthdays will create self-centred adults who expect others to care about them, but this is just not true. As mentioned before, if someone grows up feeling loved and cared for, they are more likely to extend that love and care to others. But on the other hand, people who grow up without feeling loved and cared for are more likely to feel resentful and be preoccupied with their own unmet needs.  

Understand the connection between the ability to celebrate, and feeling worthy of celebrating. As JWs, we had to be careful of feeling good about any of our achievements because it was actually God that gave us those abilities in the first place. We were not worthy of celebrating anything.

The ability to celebrate shows a belief in your worth as a human being. You deserve to celebrate all events, large and small, that make up your life and the lives of those you love. We get one shot at this life, so let’s celebrate everything we possibly can.

It is possible

While it can be difficult, and our past will always be a part of us, it is possible to let go of the old JW hang-ups that hold us back from enjoying life now and learn to celebrate.

Despite forgetting some dates here and there (and some frantic last minute amend-making), I’ve been celebrating my husband’s and step-kid’s birthdays for around 7 years now, and last year, for the first time, we celebrated mine too. These events will never be completely free from the odd uncomfortable thought or feeling, but the experience is more than worth the effort.

I have full confidence that you can do it too.

Until next time, I’m celebrating that you read this, and I hope you find loads of stuff to celebrate too, in whatever way works for you.

Renee