Developing interests and hobbies can really improve the quality of our lives after leaving the JWs. There is so much literature and even medical science which shows that hobbies can bring so many benefits, from stress reduction and increased life satisfaction, right through to improving cognitive function and heart health.[1]

While we may recognise that hobbies are good for us, as former JWs, it can be so hard to allow ourselves to care about things that were previously so ‘frivolous’ and irrelevant to our salvation, that it inhibits our enjoyment of hobby-like pursuits and can even prevent us from pursuing them at all.

In Part 1 we examined why it is that we as former JWs struggle a bit more than our non-JW counterparts when it comes to knowing what our interests and passions are. In Part 2, we are going to focus on overcoming any inhibitions we may have when it comes to developing and exploring our interests, and potentially taking up something which was previously almost a swear word. A hobby.

Allowing yourself to care about ‘frivolous pursuits’

The first time I went to watch my husband play baseball on a Saturday morning, in the early days of our dating and just before I disassociated, I remember looking around at all these people who were clearly so passionate about the sport that they were giving up their Saturdays to be there. None of it was life and death. None of them were feeling guilty for not being out witnessing. None of them felt like only life and death things were worthy of their time and interest. It was just a game, and yet it was important enough to all of those people that they dedicated most of their Saturdays to it. It blew me away. This is what ‘normal’ people do on a weekend.

In the years since I have noticed that former JWs (including myself) sometimes have difficulty accepting that ‘normal’ people may devote a large amount of their time to interests we just don’t understand (video gaming was once totally incomprehensible to me). This is all simply a function of being told for so many years what the ‘right’ sort of hobbies are, and being forced to confine our own interests to such a narrow range of things which are approved by the organisation.

Now though, we have no such limitations. Now it’s our turn. Our turn to find out how we want to spend all that time that we previously gave the organisation. Our turn to find out what the hell we actually care about.

Six strategies that can help you develop new interests:

1. Acceptance

Because we were never ‘allowed’ to be interested in anything, we first need to accept and appreciate that we can now be interested in whatever we want. However, this also requires us to accept that other people, including those close to us, may have interests we don’t fully understand. You may sometimes feel disbelief when you look around and see people interested and engaged in various activities. How can they be interested in this stuff? How do they find the time and energy? You may feel a sense of detachment and wonder if you will ever feel so passionate about something, and you may resent the religion for squashing your capacity to develop any sort of interest in anything other than hard work.

This is all normal. Allow yourself to feel this, wallow about in it for a while if you need to. Our experience in life was certainly different to others who were not involved in a high-control group, but this very experience could lead to interests you may not have otherwise developed. Try not to fight against it. Accept yourself, your life, and your personality, and work with it to find out what you are genuinely interested in.

Be curious about other people’s interests and why they are interested in those things. Respect that, and you will find that you also start to respect your own interests, rather than dismissing them as unimportant. There is definitely something that will light you up. It just takes time, patience, curiosity, and even a bit of self-respect, to find it and allow yourself to develop it.

2. Try new things

This one is a bit of a no brainer, but sometimes we need a nudge to get out of our comfort zones. Trying new things inevitably also means meeting new people, and after leaving the JWs, it can be all too easy to shut ourselves up, not wanting to interact with others because we think that they will judge us the way our fellow JWs used to. But in my experience, ‘worldly’ people are incredibly non-judgemental by comparison. Yes, all humans have their foibles, but non-JWs don’t tend to meet you with any pre-conditioned ‘expectations’. They just take you as you are. They are not conversing with you to try and work out how ‘spiritual’ you are or where you fit in the organisational hierarchy, and they generally don’t care too much if you have different views to them.

So just get out there. Meet new people and try new things. Some options include: Classes for adult learning (there are often community centres with reasonably priced options), dancing, or joining an exercise or sports club of some kind, IT, art, sewing, cooking, woodwork, mechanics, the possibilities are endless. It is also worth trying things which may not sound all that interesting to you, because until you give it a go, you can never know for sure.

There are many options for trying new things online too. Online learning platforms such as Coursera and Skillshare offer a wide variety of courses either for free or at reasonable prices, and you can also learn a lot from the vast wealth of educational YouTube videos and podcasts out there. Perhaps challenge yourself to watch or listen to just one video or podcast each week on a topic that you wouldn’t normally choose.  

Getting out of your comfort zone can be hard, and finding excuses not to do hard things is very easy, so a commitment of some kind can help you stay motivated. You could join up to a class with a friend or someone you know, or tell someone about whatever you are doing to keep you ‘honest’. If the course has a fee of some kind this can also motivate us to go along so we that we don’t feel like we have wasted our money. Sometimes course fees are not just about the school or instructor getting paid, it’s also about giving you an incentive to turn up when you really don’t feel like it.

3. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable

When trying new things it is highly likely that you may feel stupid for quite some time (speaking from experience here). Try not to feel threatened by this or take it personally. As JWs we thought we had all the answers, and there was no need to learn anything new or try anything different. As a result, it has probably been a long time since we were out of our comfort zone in this way. Learning new things and meeting new people with different viewpoints may be a bit confronting at first, but rest reassured that when you feel stupid, challenged, or as if your mind is being stretched in new and surprising ways, you are learning, and this is awesome.

Remember that you don’t have to take on other viewpoints as your own. You can listen to new information, but now, you get to decide what you will do with it. You get to decide whether you will take it on and incorporate it into your life somehow, or whether you will just accept that others think that way, but know that it is not for you.

Also remember that it is normal not to be amazing at something new straight away. Satisfaction comes from working at things, failing, picking yourself up, solving problems, and finally, succeeding. Hobbies are not meant to be something you dread though, so if you find that you are simply not looking forward to the particular challenges it brings, perhaps it is time to try something different.

4. Recall what you were interested in as a child

Think back to when you were about 10-12 years old. What were you curious about or interested in at this time? This is a good age for examining what our natural interests and inclinations were. At around 10-12 years old we were starting to explore our worlds more than when we were younger, but our developing minds had not yet been hijacked by hormones, puberty, high school, peer pressure, and generally caring more about what others think.

It can be difficult for many of us who were born-in JWs to remember what we were interested in at around this age, because even by then our lives were already burdened with meetings, witnessing, family study, avoiding bad associations etc. But if you can, think back to this time. What piqued your interest outside of the JW world? Was there anything you expressed interest in that your parents or the elders squashed? Was there anything you watched others do and wished you could also get involved?

Some of your interests from that age may not be achievable now (gymnastics was one of mine for example…), but there may be certain interests that have stayed with you, buried under all the obligations of life, just waiting to have a chance to be developed.

If you can’t think of any, you may still find that looking back to yourself at this age helps you notice aspects of your personality which have held pretty constant over time. This can also be extremely useful information when it comes to understanding yourself, your strengths and weaknesses, and identifying suitable interests, hobbies, study options, and even career paths.

For example, were you an indoorsy or outdoorsy child? Did you prefer to play on your own or preferred to be around others? Were you studious or couldn’t stand books? Were you serious or reasonably carefree?

There are many personality tests available online if this is something you would like to explore further. The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) is possibly the most well-known and reliable instrument available, developed through extensive research and supported by many studies which verify its reliability and validity.  

5. Combine different interests, knowledge, and talents to create something new

Getting in touch with your creative side is one of the main benefits of making time for a hobby. Creative expression enables us to see the world in different ways, make connections we would otherwise miss, helps with anxiety, depression, and processing trauma, and generally enhances overall life satisfaction. The results of your creative output can even be a means of helping others, which in-turn also brings a sense of fulfilment from contributing to something greater than yourself.

One way to be creative is to combine different interests, talents, and knowledge you may have to create something new and unique to you.

For example, my husband is excellent at woodwork and also loves an organised garage, so he custom designed a cleat system and various bench and storage options for all of his tools to maximise use of the space. There are mounts for all the electric tools, customised holes for different sizes of screwdrivers and drill bits, and even a special hook for the dustpan and broom.

He always has various projects on the go, all of which are combining two or more of his interests, knowledge, and talents. The latest is a retro pinball machine where both the play field and back glass (the bit you play on and the decorative bit which stands up at the back) are computer monitors. He then runs software which simulates a real table, and the software can recreate hundreds of original games. He loves sim racing too and has created an entire rig himself, including the pedals and gearshift from parts of cars. He is also eventually going to film some of his retro-gaming exploits to create a space online for others with similar interests.

As another example, my best friend (also ex-JW) has always had a passion for caring for foster children. In the years since leaving she has cared for many children and in doing so, noticed that they don’t have anything which is truly ‘theirs’ to take through life as they move from home to home, so she recently created a registered charity which will hopefully achieve just that (shameless plug here: https://caringforkidsaustralia.com/all-about-caring-for-kids).

This website has become a creative outlet for me as well, through combining my experience of being a JW and creating a life after leaving, my interest in psychology and the impacts of coercive control, and my love of research, analysis, writing, and crafting words which convey the meaning and intent that I am aiming for. While the purpose is to share my experience in case it is helpful to others, which makes it all worthwhile, I also really enjoy the creative process.

Something we all have in common as former JWs is our experience in a high-control group. Is there something you can do with this knowledge to develop your creativity or find a method of self-expression?

6. Give it time. Be curious, and what interests you will come

We have just emerged from a world where everything we thought and did was ruled by fear, and fear is not conducive to creativity. I recently heard this saying: ‘Stress reduces creativity, and fear kills it’[2]. This is certainly true for us. After leaving an environment like this, it takes time for us to feel safe enough to explore what this world has to offer, and it takes time for us to realise that we may also have something of value to offer it in return.

Be patient, be curious, and be kind to yourself. In time, as we replace suppression, fear, and conformity, with curiosity, acceptance, and an open mind, our natural interests and creativity will finally emerge too.

Until next time,

Happy hobby testing :o)

Renee

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[1] Readers Digest, ‘The health benefits of having a hobby’: https://www.readersdigest.co.uk/health/wellbeing/the-health-benefits-of-having-a-hobby

[2] Brene Brown. Quoted by a secondary source on a podcast, and now I can’t recall which one or find the original quote to attribute it correctly.