Coercive control: How being a JW is like being in an abusive relationship

February 22, 2022 Renee

Before leaving the Witnesses I had never even heard the words coercive control, and if I had, I certainly did not apply them in my own life. Control is normal in this organisation. If you were born-in, this is all you have ever known. You are totally unaware that every aspect of your life is being controlled. Even if you joined later in life, you may be somewhat aware that certain freedoms are being taken away from you, but you make the necessary ‘sacrifices’ because you have been convinced that it is the ‘Truth’. You will be rewarded later, and everything sacrificed for Jehovah is worth it anyway.

It was only after leaving that I first learned that Jehovah’s Witnesses are generally considered (by everyone) to be a high-control group. This came as a real surprise to me, and I had absolutely no idea what it meant. It fascinated me that apparently the entire rest of the world was fully aware of this, and yet here was me, stunted by my JW upbringing, yet again learning vital life lessons more than twenty years after I should have.

In its simplest form, whenever you submit to someone, you are allowing them to exert control over you. For ‘normal’ people in healthy relationships, there is mutual respect, understanding, and empathy. There are negotiations, compromises, boundaries, give and take. Each party has a right to say ‘no’, and any form of boundary violation is not tolerated.

For ‘normal’ people in healthy relationships, no one is telling them how to dress, how to look, how to think, what to think, what to watch, what to listen to, how much to work, and how to spend their spare time. No one is guilt-tripping them into doing things they don’t want to do. No one is telling them they are blood guilty if they don’t act the way they want them to. No one is threatening them with the loss of family and friends if they don’t think, say, and do, exactly what they want.

I experienced all of this as a Jehovah’s Witness. I knew it didn’t feel right, but I didn’t know why, and I didn’t have a name for it. Now I do. Its ‘coercive control’.

‘Coercive control’ is often part of an abusive relationship, whether there is physical violence or not. It is described as ‘a pattern of behaviours used by an abuser to control their partner and create an uneven power dynamic. Coercive control generally involves manipulation and intimidation to make a victim scared, isolated, and dependent on the abuser.’ [1]

When I realised the many parallels between the way the organisation treats its members and the way controlling abusers treat their victims, it helped me to understand exactly what I had been through, and what I needed to recover from.

Any Google search will bring up a list of the most common signs of coercive control as seen in abusive relationships, and the top websites I consulted for this article are referenced below.[2] The key signs are consistent across sources, and the majority are clearly evident in the way the Jehovah’s Witness organisation controls its members.

This article outlines the top 8 ways that being a Jehovah’s Witness is like being in an abusive relationship:

1. Isolating you from friends/family/support systems

An abusive person will try to isolate you from your friends, family, and other people in your support network. They may monitor who you speak to, move you away, and prevent you from attending certain events or being alone in situations where they are not present. They may tell lies about you to your family and friends, and about them to you, to make you believe they hate you, and drive a wedge between you.

The intent of all this is to increase your reliance on them, which in turn makes it easier to control you:

If you don’t have anywhere to go, you are more likely to stay
If you believe all of your family and friends are now hostile to you, you are more likely to stay
If you are not receiving external/other input and information, you cannot counteract their lies
If you are never in situations where you expose the abusive behaviour to others, no one will be able to tell you that you are being abused

The JW religion exerts control over its members by isolating them from the rest of the world. The Governing Body discourages any form of association with people who are not Witnesses. They tell lies about the world and worldly people, painting them as bad association and under Satan’s control. Their propaganda shows that only negative things happen to anyone who leaves the organisation. It depicts worldly people as unhappy, deficient, lost and searching, in need of the hope which only you as a JW can bring them. It controls the information you receive, and extensively misquotes sources in its publications to persuade you to their way of thinking.[3]

The intent of this control is exactly the same as for abusive relationships:

If you don’t have a support system outside of the organisation, you are more likely to stay
If you believe the rest of the world is dangerous, you are more likely to stay
If you do not receive any information from outside the organisation, you have nothing with which to educate yourself about what is happening to you
If you are never in situations where you talk to worldly people about what it is like to be a JW, no one will be able to tell you that you are in a high-control group

2. Restricting your freedom and autonomy by monitoring your activities

An abusive person wants to know exactly where you are at all times. They may call you constantly, invade your privacy by reading emails, texts, and other messages without permission, and in extreme cases, wire your home, track your movements, or set up video and spyware even in private areas, such as the bedroom and bathroom.[4]

The intent is to control you by making you feel as if they are ‘omnipresent’, ready to approve or disapprove of you and your actions at any moment[5]. They don’t trust you, and therefore need to restrict you. The JWs also do not trust their members to behave the ‘right way’ and achieve high levels of surveillance over their members via several mechanisms:

Equating themselves with God

The Governing Body teaches that they are the only ones on earth that God is using as a ‘channel’ to reach mankind.[6] There is no distinction between God and the religion. They are one and the same. Displease them and you displease God, who is omnipresent. The Governing Body can therefore tell you how to live and act and you will do it, because you believe that displeasing them equates to displeasing God, and God is everywhere, so you can’t get away with anything.

The culture of reporting on others

JWs are encouraged to tell the elders if they are aware of ‘wrong-doing’ which has not been ‘brought into the open’. This generally involves giving the ‘wrong-doer’ a warning to confess, with a time limit, at which time if they have not spoken to the Elders, you will do it for them. All JWs are encouraged to do this under the guise of ‘keeping the organisation clean’.[7]

The practise of ‘marking’ members as bad association

If you have gone against organisational direction one too many times, you will be ‘marked’ as bad association (often via a ‘marking talk’[8]) and other members are encouraged to reduce contact with you. Contact with the outside world is already limited through the practise of isolation, therefore, the threat of having even your fellow Witnesses reduce contact with you is a very strong inducement to avoid doing anything for which you could be ‘marked’.

3. Degradation and name calling/put downs

Abusers will often use degradation, name calling, and constant put-downs. They will criticise you, insult you, bully and belittle you, often in front of others. The intent is to convince you that you are worthless. If you have low or no self-esteem, you are likely to stay in an abusive relationship because you believe you are not worthy of anything or anyone better. Abusers want you submissive, constantly trying to please them in return for a crumb of praise. And because you are now isolated, dependent, and desperate to please, you take it, and you believe it.

The entire culture of the Jehovah’s Witness organisation serves to ensure its members feel unworthy, unimportant and deficient. The equivalent to abusive criticism and putdowns is achieved through such teachings as:

Man is not worthy even to direct his step (based on Jeremiah 10:23). Translation: You cannot think for yourself. You need us to do your thinking for you.
We are only here through Gods undeserved kindness (based on Galations 2:21[9]). Translation: We owe our lives to God, and the Governing Body equates to God, therefore we owe them and need to do everything they say. You don’t matter and your needs don’t matter.
Who do we think we are that we know better than God? (based on Job 38:1 to 42:6). Translation: You are a stupid human. Don’t think that you know anything.
Don’t seek ‘great things for yourself’ (based on Jeremiah 45:4,5[10]). Translation: You do not deserve any success or prominence or other than what you can achieve in service to our organisation (the Governing body clearly seek great things for themselves, but that’s ok).
Put the kingdom first and everything else will be added to you (based on Matthew 10:33). Translation: Put us first. Your needs and desires don’t matter.
Constant encouragement to ask yourself, ‘Are you really doing your best? (based on Colossians 3:23[11]). Translation: Doubt yourself. If you think you are doing your best, think again. If you are content, don’t be. We want you on edge, doing more and more for us. Don’t trust your own thinking. Don’t trust yourself. We don’t want you comfortable. You don’t deserve to be comfortable.

The impact of all this criticism is a lack of self-worth and low self-esteem.

4. Threats and intimidation

An abuser will use threats or intimidation to scare the victim into doing what they want. Threats take the form of physical harm against you or those you love, including pets and children, harm to themselves (to guilt trip you into submission), or threatening to take things away. This is all in an attempt to control you through fear.

Threats and intimidation are central to the Jehovah’s Witness model of operation. As a Jehovah’s Witness child, one of my earliest memories is sitting in the Kingdom Hall on a Thursday night meeting, realising that I needed to be prepared to die for any one of the ‘brothers and sisters’ sitting around me at that moment, otherwise I would be jeopardising my relationship with God, making him sad and then I would die as a result.

The following are all examples of threats and intimidation used by the Governing Body of Jehovah’s Witnesses to scare their followers into handing over control to them:

JW examples[12]:

Disfellowshipping – fear of losing your friends and family who are JWs
‘Godly fear’ – fear that your actions directly affect God’s feelings and you could potentially hurt him, and fear of the consequences of displeasing him
Death at Armageddon – fear that you will die and never be resurrected
Bringing reproach on God’s name – fear that because you are a representative of Jehovah’s organisation, anything you do which is not in accord with their teachings will make others think badly of God and his organisation. You also want to avoid the shame of doing this
Apostates – Jehovah’s Witnesses twist the meaning of the word ‘apostate’. Rather than simply referring to someone who is no longer a member of a particular religion, it takes on an entirely negative and derogatory connotation. Anyone who leaves God’s organisation and dares to then disagree with the teachings are considered to be vermin, the lowest of the low. The thought of becoming one yourself is too shameful to contemplate.
Fear of what becomes of you if you leave the organisation – You are taught that because you are a worthless human who does not know enough to make your own decisions, only bad things will happen to you if you leave the organisation
The judicial system – fear of having to confess your ‘wrong-doing’ to a panel of men for them to decide whether you stay or go is more than enough to deter many people doing things they may want to do

5. Jealousy and possessiveness

A little jealousy in a relationship isn’t uncommon, but in an abusive relationship, the abuser might constantly accuse the victim of cheating, or become extremely insecure when their partner shows any interest in anything which is not to do with them. They require constant reassurance and will do their best to guilt trip their partner into doing less of the unapproved activity. This is an attempt to control them, to make them feel guilty about spending time away from them, and to make them avoid going to social events because they don’t want to deal with the accusations and guilt which comes afterwards. This is done to further reduce their victim’s contact with the outside world (links with #1. Isolation), and to control their activities (links with #2. Monitoring activities).

The Jehovah’s Witnesses Governing Body acts jealously towards and possessively of their followers in many ways, most prominently through:

Constant encouragement to avoid any people or events which are ‘worldly’ (based on 1 Cor 15:33[13])
Labelling someone as a bad association if they do not behave as intended (also based on 1 Cor 15:33[14])
Constantly encouraging you to scrutinise your life to see if there is more you can do (based on Colossians 3:23). Translation: Are there other worldly things you can stop doing because we are jealous of your time and resources and want them all for ourselves? Apparently God is so insecure that he is jealous if you spend too much time doing things of which he does not approve
The way we act affects God. We have the power to make him happy or sad, depending on our actions (based on Proverbs 27:11). Translation: Don’t’ to anything which makes God sad. Apparently the God of the universe needs you to behave a certain way for him to be ok

6. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a term which has re-emerged recently and describes the situation where an abusive person denies having said or done something, or makes you take the blame for things they did, so that you doubt yourself rather than them. They will revise history in a light which is favourable to them, and twist the story to ensure they are free of blame. Whatever it is, it will be attributed to you either misunderstanding something, or misinterpreting something, so that it is quite simply, your fault. If you try and call this out, your concerns will be minimised. You will be told that you are over-reacting, or they meant something else, or that they were joking and that you can’t take a joke. They may even then act hurt because you have misunderstood them so badly.

The intent of gaslighting is to convince you that they are always right, so that you question your own ability to make decisions or think for yourself. It can result in you feeling confused and doubting your decisions, your memory, and even your reality.[15]

The Governing Body is a prolific gaslighter. From the revision of history (removing references to doctrines and teachings which now put them in a bad light), to outwardly blaming members for taking things too far despite it being clearly supported by the leadership at the time. Some examples include:

Removing references to failed doctrines in their publications and never admitting to being wrong[16]
Blaming the members for taking things too far regarding the 1975 teaching despite ample evidence in publications and recordings that 1975 would be a key date[17]
Teaching that anything good is from God, and anything bad is either from your own weakness or lack of faith, or it is Satan[18].
Constantly asking members whether they are really doing their best? Making you doubt yourself and your efforts, forcing you to compare yourself to others, and ultimately try to get you to do or believe something which isn’t true. It is akin to the serpent asking Eve whether it was really true that…

7. Controlling your health and body

It’s common for a controlling partner to not only want to control how their victim behaves, but also how they look. They might dictate what the victim can and can’t wear, what they eat and drink, how they groom and present themselves, and how often they exercise. They do this because they need you to be a certain way, for them to be ok. If you do not comply, they are incensed and angry. Who and what you are reflects on them, and they want to control every part of it. Having this control is also rewarding to them. It feeds their ego.

Jehovah’s Witnesses world-wide are known for their ‘look’. Anyone who has seen a group of them out in ‘field-service’ just knows that they are Witnesses because of the way they dress (this is generally when people alert their neighbours to hunker down because JWs are loose in the street…). In all Jehovah’s Witness propaganda, ‘worldly’ people are depicted in ways the organisation does not approve of (often with piercings, tattoos, facial hair, coloured hair, and dressed either provocatively or in other ways the organisation deems as ‘worldly’). As a person comes into the organisation, the propaganda shows them gradually appearing in a manner which the organisation approves, such as no facial hair, tattoos covered, appearing neat, in a suit and tie for men when in theocratic activities, and skirts down past their knees for women. Even in non-theocratic activities, the dress code is barely less conservative. Jeans never feature in this propaganda. They must be too worldly… (check out videos at JW Broadcasting and videos from the Convention program[19]).

All Jehovah’s Witness men know that if they have beards, they will not be eligible for ‘privileges’. All Jehovah’s Witness women know that they need to dress modestly, or risk being hauled in front of the Elders for a discussion about her appearance. All Jehovah’s Witnesses know that turning up with piercings, tattoos, or anything remotely individualised, will be frowned upon and draw criticism.

The reason the organisation does this is the same as in abusive relationships. The Governing Body want their members to look a certain way, to ‘distinguish themselves from the world’. They need their members to comply with all of their demands in order for them to feel like they are in charge. Anything less is subversive, ‘un-christlike’ and a threat to their control.

In relation to health, the most serious example of control is through the ‘blood doctrine’.[20] Any member who willingly accepts a blood transfusion is deemed to have disasscociated, regardless of the medical advice received or whether they actually wanted to disassociate. The threat of losing contact with family and friends in the short term, and losing their hope for everlasting life on a paradise earth in the long term, is generally enough to keep most members compliant with this directive, regardless of the consequences. The organisation has also attempted to control its members in relation to the amount and type of exercise (yoga and meditation are not encouraged because of likely demonic links), and in years past members were encouraged to avoid vaccinations (noting though that COVID vaccination is being encouraged).

The reason for persistence in controlling health issues, most notably the use of blood for medical purposes, is likely because they simply cannot survive the backlash if they were to change it now. Too many people have died.

8. Defining men’s and women’s roles/using male privilege/reinforcing traditional gender roles

If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, your partner may try to exert power over you by defining traditional gender roles (regardless of biological sex). They will take on the more ‘masculine’ role, as breadwinners and ‘masters of the house’, while trying to push the more ‘feminine’ submissive role on to you.[21] They may treat you like a servant, make all of the big decisions, and generally dictate who does what.

Even the most unattached observer cannot help but notice the clearly defined gender roles within the Jehovah’s Witnesses organisation. Only men are allowed to hold positions of power, to give talks, or to have privileges within the organisation other than be become a pioneer. Women are not allowed to:

Be on judicial committees
Have any position of power (be Elders or Ministerial Servants)
Chair meetings or field service groups
Give talks other than doing demos or conversation type presentations with another sister.
Have any privileges within the hall such as doing the sound, carrying the microphones, reading for the Watchtower, being an ‘attendant’ at big events (such as conventions), doing any rostering for cleaning or talks (cleaning the loos is definitely women’s work though!)
Say a prayer in front of other men without a head covering[22]

The traditional gender roles are also expected to play out within intimate relationships. LGBTIQ+ people need to suppress their sexual identities within the organisation, so this particular aspect is focussed on the permissible relationships between biological men and women. Married women are encouraged to follow the example of the ‘industrious wife’ as depicted in Proverbs. They should support their husbands, and are in no way meant to take the lead in anything. In all JW propaganda, the women are shown in the kitchen, cooking, cleaning, while men are at work, or making the tough decisions. Women need to be in subjection to their husbands as the head of the household, while men are in subjection to Christ as the head of the Christian congregation. The fact that men are meant to be accountable to Christ for their treatment of their wives, does not stop the abuse of power.

One JW sister I knew had an extremely demanding and condescending husband. He would not let her have autonomy over her own study, and insisted on a rigid schedule over which he had full control. This leaked out into other areas of their married life too. She was basically waiting for Armageddon, because in the new world his imperfections would be taken away and she would have a better life. This is precisely the dynamic that caused another JW sister to say to me one day, ‘there are plenty of married JW couples out there just waiting for the end’. Due to the ‘only-reason-for-divorce-is-adultery’ teaching, many women stay in abusive and violent relationships.[23]

To put it plainly, the JW organisation is a misogynistic, paternalistic, male dominated, ‘boys club’. JWs will deny this, stating that it is all extremely respectful of women and their place, but this is all done in an attempt to appease them and avoid discontent. Women rallying against the culture will threaten their control.

Women who leave often have limited ability to recognise misogynistic behaviour and ill treatment of women. They may blame women who get mistreated, saying they must have done something to bring it on. They may even be permissive of domestic violence, and ready to blame themselves if it happens within their own relationships.

Impacts of being in an abusive relationship

There are so many ways that coercive control can affect a victim and they are all negative. It is for this reason that those who have left abusive relationships are called ‘survivors’. While not everyone will be affected the same way or to the same extent, and there are many other factors at play (such as family history and personality traits), coercive control can lead to some or all of the following types of behavioural impacts: indecision and lack of trust in yourself or your abilities, lack of identity, guilt, inability to put healthy boundaries in place or identify toxicity in others, chronic self-blame, shame, anxiety, and trauma related symptoms (see my JW Matrix of Impacts and blog post: ‘Which beliefs cause what: How our JW beliefs affect us‘).

Where to now?

The negative effects of coercive control are becoming more well-known in recent years, which has resulted in a push to make it illegal under legislative reforms to domestic violence laws across Australia. Tasmania now has laws which directly address some aspects of coercive and controlling behaviours, but it is the only state in Australia so far. Unfortunately, there is a general recognition that Australia is just not ready for full-scale reform in this area. One of the key reasons being that the victim would need to be prepared to involve the police, have sufficient evidence to back their claims, and deal with the stress and additional trauma of the prosecution process. Police will also need training to recognise the symptoms, otherwise the risk is that victims will be blamed for the situation.[24]

I will watch the progress in this area with intense interest, hoping that one day there may be implications for the JW religion. In the meantime however, let’s do all we can to learn to live again after leaving this harmful organisation.

[1] https://www.raq.org.au/blog/what-coercive-control

[2] https://www.abc.net.au/news/2021-02-22/nsw-coercive-control-inquiry-hears-harrowing-tales/13172686; Coercive Control: 12 Signs and How to Get Out (healthline.com); https://www.raq.org.au/blog/what-coercive-control; https://www.theduluthmodel.org/what-is-the-duluth-model/

[3] https://jwfacts.com/watchtower/misquotes.php

[4] Coercive Control: 12 Signs and How to Get Out (healthline.com)

[5] Coercive Control: 12 Signs and How to Get Out (healthline.com)

[6] https://wol.jw.org/en/wol/d/r1/lp-e/2013533

[7] New Boy. Life and Death at the world headquarters of the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Keith Casarona., 2019

[8] https://wol.jw.org/en/wol/d/r1/lp-e/1985290?q=marking+talk&p=par

[9] See also WT July 2016, pp. 21-25

[10] See also WT 97, 8/15, pp. 17-22

[11] See also WT 99, 2/1 pp. 20-23 and WT 97, 10/15 pp. 13-18

[12] Evidence for all examples can be found on the JW.org website, and JWfacts (ex JW site).