Being manipulated and coerced into living a life ruled by fear and devoid of the full range of human experience means there are essential life skills that JWs simply never learn. Previous posts have covered how the JW organisation controls its members and the harmful impacts this can have. In this post, we are going to look at the top ten essential life skills that you will never learn as a JW, but need to learn now to give yourself the best shot at a happy and fulfilling life after leaving.

1. Critical thinking

Critical thinking is the number one life skill that gets totally derailed if you join or are born into a cult or high-control group.

Critical thinking is ‘the art of analyzing and evaluating our thinking with a view to improving it’[1]. This means developing the ability to monitor and correct our own thoughts and beliefs in light of new (or newly found) evidence, and that evidence needs to come from a variety of reliable, unbiassed, and well-informed, sources.

It requires us to see past our own ego and other social norms, which means not just believing something because:

• We want to believe it
• We have always believed it
• It is in our selfish interests to believe it
• Someone said so
• Others in our group believe it so we should too
• Your group/culture is superior to all others and therefore must be right, despite knowing nothing about the other groups/culture other than what you have learnt from your own.

As covered more extensively in earlier posts, cults and high-control groups (including controlling relationships) suppress our ability to think critically through many means, most notably black and white thinking which induces fear of anything perceived as ‘bad’ (ie. us versus them, God Vs Satan), and thought stopping techniques (ie. keeping busy, no tolerance for doubt) which ensures members ignore their cognitive dissonance (the discomfort that happens when we are forced to think and behave in ways we don’t agree with), rather than explore the reasons for it.

Developing your critical thinking

Critical thinking requires us to be open to challenging anything we may have always done, thought, or believed, as well as being able to assess new information that comes our way.

The critical thinking process involves the following steps:

• Defining the topic or issue in question
• Identifying complexities and inter-relationships with other topics or issues
• Accessing and assessing relevant information, evidence, and data from a range of sources
• Identifying the biases, viewpoints, and inaccuracies in those sources
• Interpreting the information and drawing inferences from it
• Drawing conclusions based on those inferences
• Recognising any assumptions you are making in coming to those conclusions
• Being open to having your conclusions challenged

The next time something comes up to challenge your existing beliefs, thinking or behaviour, try to work through the above steps. This can be difficult without being shown how (there are full university units solely on this), so critical thinking will be the subject of a dedicated post in the coming months.

2. How to have respectful debates (including accepting that you may in-fact, be wrong)

As JWs, we were encouraged to simply shut down conversations that weren’t going our way. The organisation’s viewpoint was always correct, so there was no need to genuinely open ourselves up to other viewpoints. We had to give the impression of being open and receptive, but that was only to start a conversation with someone so that we could convince them that should change, not the other way around.

This makes it extremely hard to learn the humility required to accept that you may actually have some of your facts incorrect, or have drawn incorrect conclusions based on the information you were provided. As JWs, all the information we are given was through God’s ‘spirit directed organisation’, so how could it have been wrong?

In reality, we are all wrong about so many things, every day. Our memories are faulty, we forget so much of what happens on a day-to-day basis, we misremember events in the past, we develop biases and only seek out information which confirms our own viewpoints (confirmation bias), and we find it hard to spot the flaws in our own reasoning.

No one knows everything, but when you are a JW you think you know everything of importance to the survival of humankind, and nothing else matters all that much. After we leave the JWs, it can take a while for us to realise that we actually know very little about anything, and so does pretty much everyone else. We may have specialised knowledge in a few areas, and we all have various talents and skills, but, what makes life interesting is not knowing everything, and also not pretending to know everything.

Tips for having respectful debates:

Be curious. We have come out of a religion that claims to have all the answers and therefore sapped our curiosity. Now is time to get that curiosity back! Accept that you may be wrong and feel good about the fact that you learned something, or had your mind opened up to something you weren’t aware of previously, even if it was just a different viewpoint.

The next time you find yourself disagreeing with someone, just get curious. Why do they think that? What life experiences have they had? What information are they basing their conclusion on? Information will not kill you. There is no need to feel threatened. Just listen and be curious. At the end of it, you can appreciate having that information, regardless of whether or not you agree with it.

3. Showing genuine respect, empathy, and acceptance towards others

The JW religion has a bit of a dichotomy happening where individually, members have no worth as people, but collectively they can be extremely self-righteous because they are ‘lucky’ enough to have the one true religion and be the only ones on earth with God’s approval. As a result, being extremely judgemental is inherent in their beliefs and culture.

Examples like the following do absolutely nothing to cultivate genuine respect and empathy for others, or to accept people with different beliefs and/or lifestyles:

• Apostates, former members, and anyone who is not a JW is looked down upon, so by default if you are a JW you are superior to them, or at least have superior beliefs to them.
• JW spirituality is based on what is visible to others: You have to be seen out witnessing, and present at meetings, and to be doing the right thing generally, avoiding bad associations, wearing acceptable clothes, etc. This means that by default you will judge those who aren’t doing those things as ‘unspiritual’, or as ‘bad associations’.
• Anyone who is not doing the ‘right thing’ will be done away with at Armageddon anyway, so by default shouldn’t get too attached to them. No JW would ever say it this way, but this is the underlying assumption.

Tips for developing respect, empathy, and acceptance towards others:

• Think of our fellow humans as comrades in this thing called life. Not enemies.
• Remember that everyone, no matter how wealthy or privileged, has issues. They are just very different issues.
• Read the UN Declaration of Human Rights – this is what everyone alive today is entitled to just for being born. No witnessing or good works needed.
• Remember that every single person who is alive right now is going to die one day, and none of us has any idea of how that will happen.
• You can only respect and accept others if you respect and accept yourself.
• Read previous post: Recovery Priority 2: Acceptance.

4. Recognising manipulative and controlling behaviour

As JWs, we have no idea we are being manipulated, and, even if we are not comfortable with some aspects of the JW beliefs and culture, we likely allow it and excuse it anyway because it is ‘the Truth’.

We learn that emotional blackmail is apparently ok, because this is applied to every person who was ever disfellowshipped or disassociated. We may not see any issues with corporal punishment for kids, because we likely experienced it ourselves. We may think it is normal to be blamed for taking offence to something hurtful that someone said to us, because apparently gaslighting is a perfectly appropriate response to explain away bad behaviour. We may even accept that women can ask for trouble if they are not being submissive enough to their partners.

JWs are surrounded by fakeness and insincerity, and are encouraged to take the organisation at face value only. We must assume good intent and not look any deeper. Any misunderstandings are our own fault, because there is no way that God’s organisation can be wrong about anything.

Inability to spot this kind of manipulation and insincerity can easily get us into trouble in the ‘real world’, either with a group or even a person. If we don’t make the effort to understand toxic behaviour, manipulation, and coercive control, there is a risk we could fall prey again (or even accidentally perpetuate some of the bad behaviours we have learned).

Tips for recognising manipulation and coercive control:

• If someone tells you that ‘you are thinking too much’, they are only worried that it will somehow affect them. They do not have your best interests at heart.
• If a person or group claims to have all the answers, this will shut down your curiosity. No one has all the answers, so be sceptical of any person or group that makes this claim.
• If a person ceases communication with you or punishes you in some way if you simply disagree with them on something, it means they need you to think or behave for them to be ‘ok’. This is using fear to control your behaviour and should not be tolerated.
• If a group practices shunning of former members, this is emotional blackmail, both to remaining members who must cease association to ‘keep the organisation clean’, and to those who have left through the deprivation of family, friends, and other support networks.
• If a person or group wants to isolate you from family or friends, this is them trying to control who you associate with.
• If a person or group monitors your activities (or makes you believe you are being monitored), this is them trying to control you even when they aren’t around. This somehow makes them feel better about themselves.
• If a person or group calls you names or puts you down and makes you feel worthless, this is them creating dependence in you, because you will want to avoid the put-downs and behave in a way that obtains their approval.
• If a person or group monopolises your time and makes you feel guilty if you have interests other than anything that involves them, this is jealousy and possessiveness and should not be tolerated.
• If a person or group gaslights you (ie. calls you names, but then says something like ‘I never meant that. You are too sensitive’), this is them causing you to doubt yourself and your reality.
• If a person or group tries to control choices you make about your health or your body in any way, this is them controlling something they have no right to control, which is someone else’s body. Only you have that right.

Here are a few previous posts that explored manipulation, coercive control, and the resulting impacts:

• Coercive control: How being a JW is like being in an abusive relationship

• Which beliefs cause what? How our JW beliefs affect us

• Are the JWs a cult?

5. Self-care and boundaries

Self-care and boundaries are foreign concepts to JWs. I personally had not even heard of boundaries until years after I left. I had a vague idea when they had been violated, but would never have been able to explain why I felt that something ‘wrong’ had just happened. As JWs we have no right to feel indignant or annoyed at boundary violations anyway, so what did it matter?

JWs have their boundaries are violated daily by the constant pressure to keep busy with theocratic activities, judicial committees poking their nose into personal affairs, Elders telling us what to do, people prying into why we may not have been out witnessing or at a meeting, and the organisation generally extending its tentacles into every area of our lives including dress, grooming, appropriate forms of exercise and medical treatments, and even when and with whom members can be intimate with.

Quite simply, cults and high control groups like the JWs would not exist if members had personal boundaries. Now that we are not JWs, we can let go of the ‘kingdom must come first at the expense of our own needs’ mentality. We are now allowed to prioritise time for things that make us happy, for looking after ourselves, and for enjoying life now that we are freed from the constraints of a high-control group.

Tips for self-care and implementing boundaries:

• Self-care encompasses all the small things we do to keep ourselves functioning at our best. To do it effectively we really need to know ourselves, our limits, what makes us tick, and what we need on a daily basis in order to feel good about ourselves and our lives.  
• Self-care includes things like exercise, good sleeping habits and routine, eating well or in a way that is right for you, making and keeping medical appointments to manage your health, ‘down-time’ without distractions or other unwanted demands on your time, and anything else you need to be able to perform well.
• Self-care is not just about managing ourselves to avoid getting run-down, it is also about knowing what we need to be happy and content. This will help us prioritise our time to make sure we get enough of that too.
• Sometimes, doing all of the above needs a few boundaries, like learning to block out time, making sure others know about it, and sticking to that plan even if other things try to crowd it out or make it seem unimportant.
• A boundary is as simple as saying ‘No’ to something. The hard part is recognising when we can’t fit something else in, or deciding what to cut so that we can fit it in. There are only so many hours in a day and we need to assess what is most important for that day, for that hour even, and let the other things go.
• Having boundaries also requires us to recognise when someone is asking something of us that is inappropriate, or will require more of you than you can or should do. Other people are entitled to ask anything they like, no matter how preposterous it could be, but likewise, we are entitled to respond in the way that is best for us, without worrying what that person will think of us.

So now, whenever that little voice inside tells you that you need to flog yourself to be of any worth, and self-care is for pathetic powder-puffs who will die at Armageddon anyway, remember that it is just your earlier JW ‘training’ trying to be helpful. That’s all irrelevant now, and you don’t need to listen to it anymore.

Thanks for being here.

See you again soon for ‘essential life skills’ six through to ten 😊

Renee

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[1] Dr Richard Paul & Dr Linda Elder (2008), The Miniature Guide to Critical Thinking: Concepts and Tools. www.criticalthinking.org